Premonition

Today I had a retched night, with nightmares that dragged out some of my worse memories, the kind one hides in a deep black box in one's memory. Last night they came back to haunt me. The deamons that will never leave me.

I woke up with one of those "certainties" that are based on nothing concrete. I have no data on it, I haven't searched information to base it on and basically I have no idea if that is true because I will not - in this case - search for confirmation.

But I Know.

As usual, my bad premonitions only cover things that affect me, things that would only hurt me - which is much better than those that involved people I love. As premonitions go, I have no control of the circumstances, the actions that trigger them or the effect they are to produce. They come as a useless warning, to "prepare" myself for things I know I have no possibility to prepare to - I just have to endure it, trying not to crack up. It's frustrating. Suffering, powerless, in antecipation.

Again, someone else's happiness will cut into me.

I've been "here" before.

And I'm (not) ready as I have (n)ever been.